


death by a thousand cuts

by toriiixoox



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Breaking Up & Making Up, Drinking, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Obsessive thoughts, Post-Break Up, Regret, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, but hes trying his best ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:01:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25524067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toriiixoox/pseuds/toriiixoox
Summary: Never in his entire life has anyone tried as hard Kuroo. No one had cared as much, pushed as hard, or loved as wholeheartedly as Kuroo. So, why, then, was Tsukishima sabotaging their entire relationship?Alternatively: Tsukishima doesn't do very well with his insecurities or the little voice in his head that says him mean things to him, but Kuroo makes it easier.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 2
Kudos: 54





	death by a thousand cuts

**Author's Note:**

> this song is heavily inspired by the song Death By A Thousand Cuts by Taylor Swift. i listened to it one day and then couldn't get kuroo and tsukki out of my head. and then this was born. so feel free to listen along! i wasn't going to post this but here it is !

It is absolutely incredible how one overwhelmingly, in-your-face, pestering you because they care so deeply, good-hearted, positive influence can change your life completely. 

Prior to Kuroo, Tsukishima Kei had 2 palatable relationships in his life. His older brother, after working through some heavy trust issues, and Yamaguchi. But, you see, the problem with both of these relationships is that they just weren’t comparable to what Kuroo did for him. 

Akiteru and Kei had worked, much to Kei’s dismay, through most of their problems, and were at a place where their relationship was finally building back up to where it was when they were younger. But even to this day, Kei doesn’t fully trust his older brother.

Yamaguchi never stopped trying to please Tsukki. He has been best friends with Tsukishima for almost his entire life. There were never any challenges with Yamaguchi, never a strive to be better, less bitter. Tsukishima Kei was... well, Tsukishima Kei and Yamaguchi was fine with that. 

Kuroo was the first relationship in Kei’s life to make him strive for change. Tsukishima’s whole life was a cycle of mediocrity. He was a good student, a good volleyball player, a “good” person (he wasn’t a bad person), but he never pushed as hard as he could. He knew what happened when you gave it your all. He’s seen how the world treats you when you give everything you have, which is to say, the same as if you gave a moderate effort.

When Tsukishima saw Kuroo for the first time at training camp, he was just another boisterous captain. He was overbearing and noisy and radiated the energy of someone who just knew how much better he was than anyone else. That wasn’t the only thing that he saw, though. Tsukishima would never admit it to anyone, not even himself or the dark, but he noticed how Kuroo’s hair was annoyingly perfect. How much product does it even take to make your hair look like that? You would think the sweat makes it worse, but it does him some favors. He also noticed how soft his eyes looked compared to the hard muscles of his toned body and how the contrast between the two shook Tsukishima’s core. 

But as previously stated, Tsukishima would never admit that. 

As if Kuroo’s volume wasn’t annoying enough, you add Bokuto into the mix and you have a duo capable of deafening crowds, so there was no faking ignorance when the two captains screamed at Tsukki to join them to practice. Even with his headphones on and the volume turned up completely, there was no “accidentally” walking past them without replying. Plus, Daichi would not stop explaining how much of an honor being invited to the training camp was and Tsukishima was much more scared of an angry Daichi than the loud duo. 

Hesitantly pulling the headphones off of his head, Tsukishima raises his line of sight to meet Kuroo’s eyes who instantly light up. Now he’s waving excitedly. Tsukishima didn’t have to take his headphones off to notice them with how intensely their arms were flailing. In response, Tsukishima tilts his head to one side. 

Kuroo’s arm gestures are much grander than necessary as he beckons Tsukki over. The blonde can’t help but roll his eyes as his body, definitely not his mind and wants, step foot into the gym. 

As soon as he stepped foot into the gym, the influence that Kuroo had on him started to grow. At first, it was only volleyball. He taught Tsukishima how to be a better, more efficient, and powerful middle blocker. As uninterested as Tsukishima wanted to pretend to be, he hung onto every last word. 

But as the after-practice practices became more frequent, it wasn’t just volleyball that Kuroo was affecting. 

“Tsukishima, have you eaten? Me, Bokuto, and Akaashi were going out to grab a bite, wanna tag along?” he’d asked after a practice. 

Tsukishima shook his head, picking up his bag and beginning to put his headphones on. He could definitely eat, but he also definitely didn’t need other people looking out for him. He would get something on his way back or just eat breakfast tomorrow. He didn’t need to be babysat. The way he asked didn’t sit well with Kei. Asking if he’d eaten like he was a child. Asking if he wanted to “tagalong” like he was your pestering nephew. The more he thought about it, the more annoyed he got that Kuroo even asked. So when Kuroo grabbed Tsukishima’s arm as he turned around the walk out the door, the only logical thing was for Tsukishima’s blood to boil and for him to fume with annoyance and hatred.

But that’s not what happened. 

Kuroo grabbed Tsukishima’s arm and suddenly he can’t think about how annoyed he was anymore. All of his brainpower was allocated to ensuring he didn’t turn bright red. Suddenly, “tagalong” felt endearing and caring. The way he had asked if Tsukishima had eaten seemed concerned and kind. 

“Come eat with us. I’ll pay,” Kuroo suggested. The smirk that took its place on his face felt as smug as it was endearing. Again, Tsukishima found himself trying his damndest to not let the heat rise to his face. 

“Tch,” Tsukishima responded, rolling his eyes just slightly to try to get that smirk out of his line of sight. When he was finally brave enough, he looked back at Kuroo to see the grin still plastered on his face. “Fine. I won’t pass up a free meal.”

“Hey hey hey!! Akaashi, did you hear that?” Bokuto jumped up and down, bracing himself on Akaashi’s shoulders. “Kuroo said he’d pay for our meals!”

“Now that is just amazing news, Bo.” Akaashi’s facial expression didn’t seem to change, despite claiming this amazing news. Kuroo’s expression did change though, into a look of “oh shit what have I done?”

Bokuto walked, or I guess skipped is a better word for the dance-like step he did, over to Kuroo, draping his arm over his shoulder. “I mean, if you’re paying for the first-year’s meal, I don’t know why you wouldn’t pay for mine and Akaashi’s, your best buds,” Tsukishima swears his head turns completely around as he gestures to Akaashi. There is not one single person on the planet that gives into Bokuto’s antics the way Akaashi does. 

Matching him in a mirrored fashion, Akaashi’s arm is draped over Kuroo’s shoulder over Bokuto’s. “Unless Tsukishima is more special than us for some reason?” Bokuto shrugged, but his eyes are large and his eyebrows are arched as high as they could possibly be arched.

“Late meals for everyone then.” Kuroo seems much less enthusiastic about this statement than his previous conversation. 

First, it was volleyball, then it was making sure he ate after practice and making sure he drank water during practice. The weird thing is that Tsukishima never resented Kuroo for the small things that he did for him, like when he asked if he needed his water bottle filled up. The annoyance lasted for no longer than 30 seconds every time Kuroo would go out of his way to make sure Tsukishima was taken care of. 

But then the shift happened. 

The things that Kuroo started caring about were not just basic necessities like food and water and volleyball, no. It started becoming much more personal than that.

“Hey! Tsukki! Wait up!”

Tsukishima did not stop, but rather slowed his step just slightly, looking backward to see Kuroo stumbling over his things to catch up. Tsukishima was not interested in going to grab a bite with the third-years, nor was he interested in taking his headphones off when Kuroo caught up with him. He could not, for the life of him, seem to block a single spike today, not one. He wanted to get home and take a shower and go straight to bed. 

“Tsukki, hey, slow down.” As he noticed that Tsukishima showed no plans in stopping, Kuroo grabbed onto his wrist. The lack of sleep coupled with the shitty voice in his head did not allow any endearing qualities to come from this firm grasp on his wrist. 

“My name is Tsukishima,” he said, yanking his arm from the older’s grip. 

Despite the uncomfortability of the situation, Kuroo succeeded in his goal. Tsukishima had stopped walking and stood in place. “I was just going to ask if you wanted to come get something to eat with Bo, Akaashi, and I.” 

“Pass.” Though he doesn’t even plan to start walking this fast, his irritation levels are climbing at a dangerous level and his brain knows that if he doesn’t leave now, Kuroo will get offended and there will be no more late-night practices. Then again, how much does Tsukishima even care about the stupid late-night practices, they’re obviously not working that well based on his shitty performance today. How can Tsukishima even blame Kuroo for his own lack of skills? It’s his own damn fault for caring too much. If he hadn’t practiced, the same outcome would have occurred, except he wouldn’t be this beat up about it. 

“Are you okay?” Kuroo grabs onto Tsukishima’s shoulder this time, stopping him before he can get too far away. The instant that he feels the fingers on his shoulder, he shakes them off. “What’s wrong?”

 _I’m a failure_. “Nothing, I’m fine, just tired.”

“No, don’t give me that. What’s wrong? You’re not acting like you’re just tired.” Kuroo’s grasp has purpose this time, that's further than just stopping him. He turns Tsukishima around and looks him directly in the eyes. 

The thing is, he’s not lying when he says that he’s tired, he is. In fact, that’s what he uses both as fuel and excuse for the eye roll and following, “Because you know exactly how I act all the time and you know exactly who I am.” The words that come out and the tone that he uses surprise both parties involved. Tsukishima is now expecting the softness in Kuroo’s eyes to turn dark, just as they should in response to his horribly bitter words. He almost flinches at the anticipation of another person turning on him. 

Instead, he flinches at the reality of the situation and everything, that he absolutely does not deserve, crashing down on him at once. “I don’t know exactly who you are, Tsukishima,” Kuroo doesn’t remove his hand from his shoulder, nor does he dare to remove the softness from his eyes, “that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry.”

 _Why is he apologizing?_ Quite frankly, Tsukishima cannot even form a coherent thought to reply right now, it is just these 4 words on repeat in his mind. 

“Can I buy you food?” Kuroo asks. It’s innocent and it’s something that has been happening frequently lately, but Tsukishima cannot be bothered having to face Bokuto and Akaashi right now. He shakes his head. _Why is he apologizing and asking to buy me food?_

“No Bokuto, no Akaashi, just me and you. Anywhere you want, your pick.”

All Tsukishima can think about is how his shower, clean pajamas, and warm bed are all waiting for him and how they will provide so much more comfort than Kuroo will. Or will they? 

Slowly and hesitantly, Tsukishima nods.

At first, their conversation sticks to its usual dynamics of Kuroo being loud and Tsukishima nodding along. But then the shift happened. 

The shift doesn’t happen until after the 4th or 5th time that they go to eat with just the two of them. The shift happens on another particularly hard day where Tsukishima has gotten 2 hours of sleep, 0 blocks, and 0 slack from himself. 

“How did your games go today?” 

The shift happens because of a slip, a crack in the armor that’s taken years to build up.

“Fine.”

But a crack by itself cannot shatter armor. A crack by its lonesome isn’t detrimental. 

“Fine? You’re usually a little bit more talkative than that, Tsukki. Not much, but, like, a little.”

It’s the follow-up. 

“Yea.”

A strong follow-up to not just expose the crack, but to exploit it. 

“Tsukki, come on, what’s up?” Kuroo was feeling brave due to the fact that Tsukishima has yet to correct the nickname that he had picked up from the freckled boy that always follows him around practice. 

As the moments of silence ticked on, Kuroo figured he would drop it, but the tiny amount of sleep that Tsukishima had gotten in addition to the fact that he really had not told anyone how bad he’s been feeling these past few weeks had equated to the defeated, “I was horrible today.”

This was a sizable change of pace in contrast to the normal aura he projected. Kuroo didn’t say anything in response, just let Tsukishima talk about a subject he really had never touched on in the presence of other people. “I couldn’t block a single spike, Hinata did better than I did.” When he noticed that Kuroo wasn’t interjecting, he continued, “You would think that with the endless extra hours that I put into it, I’d be halfway decent at the game.”

Tsukishima is astounded by the fact that Kuroo has not interjected yet. He knows how this conversation would have gone if Yamaguchi was the person on the other side. “Tsukki!!! No! You’re great at the game!” Or if he had talked to Akiteru, “Kei, you put more hours in than anyone I know! You just gotta keep workin’ hard! You’ll see results! I promise!”

There wasn’t anything like that, only an intently looking Kuroo across the table with a hand under his chin and eyes that looked like their main function was listening. So Tsukishima braved on, talking about how this week has been shitty, how this is why he didn’t want to put in the extra effort, how his brother did the same thing, how seeing him like that broke him, how he worries everyday about putting his everything into something and getting nothing in return. Though Kuroo doesn’t verbally input anything, he contributes with slight nods and reassuring touches when Tsukishima gets quiet for a little bit too long and especially when he looks down at the table and a drop of water falls with his head. 

Kuroo only replies when Tsukishima asks for a response. “I don’t know. It’s all so stupid, don’t you think?”

“No, I don’t. I don’t think feeling things is stupid.” Even still, this is all he offers, but it’s everything that Tsukishima needs.

First, it was volleyball, and then it was basic necessities, and then it was making sure that he was feeling okay, a shoulder to cry on, but it went even further. Tsukishima refused to believe there was a stage after this, but there was. 

After training camp was completed, Kuroo stayed in Tokyo and Tsukishima returned back to the Miyagi Prefecture, but the conversations still continued, some would argue, even more so than before and when they saw each other next, a practice weekend that Takeda set up, things were different. They had inside jokes that even Yamaguchi and Bokuto didn’t understand and when Kuroo asked Tsukishima to get a bite to eat, there was no hesitation, nor was there an invitation for anyone else. 

“God, it feels weird to be back in the same room as you,” Kuroo teased.

“What’s the difference? We skyped. You could see and talk to me at the same time. Where’s the difference? Did you miss spending money on my food?” This back and forth was not foreign to their conversation, but truth be told, Tsukishima could absolutely tell the difference between skyping and being here with Kuroo right now. If he were on Skype, he wouldn’t have noticed how Kuroo’s hair looked particularly good today or be perfectly in the moment when something that Tsukishima said causes Kuroo’s head to fall back and let out a boisterous laugh. He wouldn’t have reveled in the moment for as long as he did, or notice the crinkles that formed by his eyes even when he stopped laughing. 

“I definitely didn’t miss buying you food every night, no,” Kuroo paused for a few beats, thinking through his next moves carefully. “I mean, but I think I did miss being able to do this.” Lunging forward, he plants a hand in Tsukishima’s already tousled hair, making a further mess of it.

“Tch,” he clicked his tongue, swatting Kuroo’s hand out of his hair, “What? Pissing me off?”

“Yeah, and seeing that little smirk after you click your tongue like that.” There was no wavering in Kuroo’s voice or confidence and that in and of itself mesmerized Tsukishima. But the mesmerization fades quickly as he feels a soft pink fall onto his cheeks. He’s not the one who said it. How can Kuroo look so confident and Tsukishima lack so much confidence when Kuroo is the one that said it. “How do you even do it?” Kuroo attempts to mimic a smirk similar to Tsukishima’s, but it doesn’t matter how perfectly similar it is, it’s not where his focus lies. 

“I don’t know how I do it, it just happens.” 

“Do it again, do it again.” Kuroo’s eyes are bright as he waits for Tsukishima to smirk again. 

“No, let me eat in peace.” As Tsukishima goes to take another bite of his food, there’s a weight on his head that stops him. Kuroo’s hand is in his hair once again, shaking back and forth. It’s instinct. “Tch.” He’s swatting his hand away once again. 

Though, this time, instead of a laugh, Kuroo just smiles at Tsukishima. The crinkles near the corner of his eyes are more defined, his eyes are half-lidded, and there’s no hint of instigation on his face anywhere. He’s not saying anything, but the warmth spreads on Tsukishima’s face once again, with a vengeance this time. 

“What?” Tsukishima tries to change the momentum of the conversation, shifting the spotlight to Kuroo who effortlessly steals it. 

“Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?” 

These words stop every functioning part of Tsukishima’s entire being, save for the obsessive thoughts in his brain. _That’s not fair. What kind of game is he playing right now? Trying to get a rise, is that what he’s trying to do? There’s no way that he’s actually being genuine about that… right? Right._ A hand waves back and forth in front of his face. Following pace, Tsukishima shakes his head back and forth.

“Well, you are.” Kuroo reaches over and takes a fry from Tsukishima’s plate. It’s quiet for a minute before Tsukishima can find the strength to reply. 

“What… what are you trying to do here?”

“What do you mean?” Kuroo is, if nothing else, a genuine person with a good heart, so what’s his motive? 

“I mean, take me under your wing with volleyball and buying me food and making me talk to you about hard things and calling me pretty, what are you trying to do?” 

Kuroo blinks in response, but that’s all he gives. He doesn’t say anything, just waits for Tsukishima to continue.

“Like, I don’t get it. We’re friends, yea, but” Tsukishima barrels through “what else?”

Then both parties were quiet, but neither of them looked away. “I’m sorry, if I made you uncomfortable, Tsukki,” Kuroo is the first to speak, “I didn’t… That wasn’t my intention. I meant it. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I said it. I’m sorry.”

Tsukishima was looking for a response anywhere. Something that encapsulates how much he’s been thinking of Kuroo recently and how his mood shifts when it takes him especially long to message him back. A perfect response that conveyed the feeling of breathlessness in his throat when Kuroo touched his hand to show him how to be a better blocker. Every little thing that he’s thought about Kuroo that he’s shoved to the back of his mind until just now. “Dumbass, you couldn’t stop thinking about how you thought I was pretty?” Yeah, that should do it. 

For the first time, Tsukishima sees Kuroo break. His eyes get a bit wider than normal, his eyebrows tilt downwards just slightly, and a blush takes over the middle of his face. “That- I- that’s not-,” Kuroo takes a deep breath, “yes. I couldn’t stop thinking about how pretty you are.”

Now Tsukishima just can’t stop laughing, and despite the embarrassment, Kuroo does not seem to mind.

* * *

After that, it wasn’t just seeing each other during weekend practice matches. It was taking the train every other weekend to visit each other, and texts with emojis (not Tsukishima’s, just Kuroo’s), and double dates with Bokuto and Akaashi, and a handful of Tsukishima’s firsts. 

His first boyfriend, his first love, his first _first_. Going through the motions of each memory passing over him, Tsukishima felt peace for the first time in weeks. But all too soon, he jolted up from his bed, letting the peace fade away and be replaced with anxiety and tightness he couldn’t explain. 

It had been nearly 3 weeks since Tsukishima and Kuroo had spoken. This was the longest time they had gone without talking in their entire 3 year relationship, 3 painful weeks of regret and drunken nights. Tonight was another one of those nights. 

“I really just cannot afford this right now,” Tsukishima groaned. 

“You could save some money if you weren’t taking a train to Tokyo every weekend,” Kuroo called out from the kitchen. 

“So, what? Do you want me to just, not visit you? Why don’t you make a trip or two over to me once and a while?”

“With what time, babe? I just meant, like, you don’t have to come and visit me every weekend, that’s all.” 

Tsukishima was getting annoyed and he was getting annoyed very quickly. “I don’t understand, so you won’t come to visit me, and you don’t want me to come to visit you? So what? We just don’t see each other?”

“I mean, you just said you were worried about the money. I’m sorry. I was just trying to offer solutions.” Kuroo walked over to Tsukishima and put his hand on his shoulder, but it didn’t stay there for long.

“Yeah. No. Let’s just stop seeing each other, perfect. I’ll save money and you won’t have to see me. That’s perfect.” This wasn’t the first fight that Tsukishima and Kuroo had had since they got together. Kuroo was very matter of fact and Tsukishima didn’t always deal with his feelings in the best ways. This was one of those times. 

Standing up abruptly, Tsukishima made his way over to the front door, picking up his shoes. 

“Kei, stop, what are you doing?” Kuroo hurried over to the front door. “Kei,” he said, grabbing his hand. 

No matter the situation, Kuroo knew how much of a weakness “Kei” was to Tsukishima. His stomach still flips every time his first name comes out of Kuroo’s mouth, despite it happening frequently over the past year. 

“No, I’m leaving like you want.”

“Move in with me.”

With one shoe on his foot and the other shoe in his other hand, Tsukishima freezes. This was typical Kuroo, saying something absurd and annoying and then turning it around in an instant. 

When Tsukishima doesn’t respond, he takes his other hand, “Move in with me. No more stupid rides to Tokyo and spending money to come see me every weekend, move in with me.”

Tsukishima can’t talk, he can’t breathe. Move in with him? Here he is again, swooping in and saving the day. He’s not sure if it’s the bad day he’s riding off of, or the annoyance from their conversation, or the fact that he’s yet to tell Kuroo the news about Akiteru, but Tsukishima doesn’t respond in a level-headed manner. 

“You always think I need saving, don’t you? Oh, he needs food, he needs money, he needs a place to stay. Do you really think I can’t do anything for myself? I don’t need you.” _You do need him, tell him you need him._ He’s angry at himself and the words in his own head. “I don’t need you.”

Kuroo stepped back. He’s never phased by Tsukishima’s random bitterness, but for some reason, this gets to him. “Saving? Need saving? You always do this. I’m your boyfriend, Kei. You don’t need saving, I’m caring for you, y'know, like boyfriends do? Not that you would necessarily know what that’s like.” As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted it. “I-.”

His chest tightens. His throat tightens. His stomach tightens. His head hurts. He feels like he can’t see straight. Every time Tsukishima felt like a bad boyfriend in the past 3 years floods his memory. Every time that Kuroo told him that he was an amazing person, boyfriend, friend, player, brother, anything solidifies in his mind as _lies_. 

His obsessive mind patches into the words that Kuroo says and he doesn’t think he’ll ever forget them. “Kei, I’m-,” Kuroo’s voice is soft and treading ever so lightly. 

“I’m sorry,” Tsukishima interrupted him. And with that, he left, one shoe on and tears threatening to fall down his cheeks. 

The next 3 weeks Tsukishima spends dodging phone calls from anyone who cares to text him and ignoring knocks on his door. In the next 3 weeks, Tsukishima spends every other night drinking, trying to simultaneously forget and remember so vividly what it was like to be Kuroo’s. 

On this particular night, having woken up from a dream and having to face the reality of Kuroo’s arms not being around him when he woke up, he can’t shake it. He can’t shake this feeling of regret. He can’t shake the feeling of Kuroo’s hands on every part of his body. His hair feels stagnant, his wrists feel too loose, his shoulders, despite slouching and slumping, feel too light, his thighs, neck, chest, waist, hips, back; they felt lonely, overwhelmingly lonely. 

Even a hot shower couldn’t wash away the impressions that Kuroo left on his body, nor could the alcohol haze away the thoughts, the many, many thoughts, of Kuroo. Close to 3 am, he found himself allowing the memories to flood back. 

But for what? 

It’s not until 2 pm that Tsukishima wakes up to an empty bed and those 5 voicemails he refuses to listen to that his phone won’t stop reminding him of. 

That’s when the pounding starts. It starts with 3 solid knocks on his door, hard enough to shake Tsukishima’s room. With each knock from the door, it’s reciprocated in his head. _Pulse, pulse, pulse_. Covering his head with a pillow, he squeezes his eyes shut. It’s quiet for just a moment before there's more pounding. 7 knocks this time. Tsukishima counts each one of them out as the throbs behind his eyes mimic them. The silence between the spouts of knocks is shorter this time, only giving him a second and a half of bliss before tormenting him again, but this time it doesn’t stop. If his head wasn’t trying to kill him, he’d be concerned about the complaints that he’s going to get from his neighbors and the damage that’s being done to his front door. 

Each continuous pound on the door sends shockwaves straight to his brain and down his spine. He’s ignored every other person who’s come to check on him before, but he doesn’t know how much longer he can take the constant banging. 

Not very much longer is the answer. 

“I’m coming!!” 

He just wants the pounding to stop. He doesn’t stop to think about what he’s wearing or the fact that he hasn’t brushed his teeth today or how messy his apartment is. 

“What?” he flings the door open to be met with the absolute last person that he wants to see right now. Honestly, he’d rather it have been Kuroo at his door than his small best friend whose calls he has been repeatedly ignoring. 

“Every time, Tsukki, every time, who apologizes an-,” Yamaguchi pushes past Tsukishima with a force he’s never seen from him. 

“Yams, please, my hea-.”

“Don’t interrupt me. Don’t test me. Who apologizes every time? Makes amends? Puts his heart out there and truly makes sure you're cared about?” In all the years that Tsukishima and Yamaguchi have been friends, he’s never acted like this. It’s always “Gomen, Tuskki!” “No mind, Tsukki!”, but Yamaguchi is standing in front of him with furrowed brows and a voice that has yet to crack a single time. “Have you even talked to him once since you left?”

Silence. 

Yamaguchi lets out an exasperated sigh. “Tsukki, are you kidding me?” He’s talking with his hands now, pinching the bridge of his nose for just a moment as he says, “I know he hurt you. And you’re right to feel that hurt, you’re allowed to hurt, Tsukki, but you haven’t talked to him once. You were together for 3 years and you haven’t talked to him once since you left his apartment after he,” Yamaguchi pauses, takes a deep breath in, and punctuates every word that comes out of his mouth that follows, “Asked. You. To. Move. In. With. Him.”

Tsukishima has never felt more stupid than at this moment right now. He’s cognitive of every involuntary movement his body does. His blinking, breathing, the tiny shifts in his movement, he feels them all.

“Give me your phone.” It’s not a question, it’s a command. Tsukishima is pretty sure Yamaguchi has never commanded anything in his life, so he complies. “5 unread voicemails? Tsukki, come on. Even if you didn’t call him back, you didn’t want to know what he had to say to you?”

 _First Unread Message. June 16th, 2020. 9:27 PM.  
_ _Hey, Kei. I know you probably don’t want to talk to me, you’ve got every right to, not that you needed my permission to not talk to me but, yeah. I- I’m really sorry for what I said. Call me back._

Hearing Kuroo’s voice for the first time in weeks is almost enough to make him cry on the spot, but he keeps his cool, taking a breath to negate the tightness in his chest. 

_Second Unread Message. June 18th, 2020. 10:15 PM.  
_ _Kei, hey. It’s me, again. Listen, I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to me. I’m sorry. I said it before but I’ll uh- I’ll say it again. I miss you. I’m sorry for rushing into things and I’m sorry for making you leave like that. I miss you. Call me back._

Each time Tsukishima hears Kuroo say his name over the phone, the tightness in his chest becomes larger and more dense; it becomes harder to take a good breath. 

_Third Unread Message. June 23rd, 2020. 3:34 AM.  
_ _I don’t sleep really well when you're not here. I- I’m sorry. What even is this message, I don-._

 _Fourth Unread Message. June 23rd, 2020. 5:12 AM.  
_ _I meant it, by the way, about you moving in with me. I didn’t mean the other thing, though, about you not caring for me. You, you care about me a lot. You make sure I take breaks when I push myself too hard, you listen to me talk about work drama when I know you don’t really care, you water the plant that you got me because you know that I forget to, you wear those glasses with the little dinosaurs… that’s not caring for me, I guess, I just like it when you do that. I- I’m really sorry that I said that. I just don’t know why you won’t let me take care of you too. You’re always saying that I take care of you, and I do, because I love to, but you’re my boyfriend and why wouldn’t I? I love you, Kei. Call me back._

Tsukishima can’t see straight from the tears, but Yamaguchi is showing no mercy. He goes straight into the last voicemail. 

_Fifth Unread Message. July 3rd, 2020. 1:46 AM.  
_ _Hey, Kei. I really miss you. I’ve come by your house a few times, I don’t know if you’re just not home or would rather just not talk to me again. At this point, I’m just starting to believe it’s the latter. So, I’m uh,_ there’s a long pause, _I’m going to just let you be, give you space until you’re ready. And when you’re ready, I- uh, I can't wait to see you and touch you and kiss you again._ Sniffle. _I can’t wait. Call me back._

Tsukishima is crying. It’s everything in the situation bearing down on him. Why hadn’t he listened to them sooner? Why hadn’t he listened to Yamaguchi sooner? He misses Kuroo, god, he misses Kuroo. 

“What are you waiting for?” Yamaguchi is practically yelling at him at this point. 

“I-,” Tsukishima hesitates. 

“Leave. Go. You’ve waited long enough, Kuroo’s been waiting long enough, go now,” Yamaguchi shoves Tsukishima towards the door, but his entire body is frozen at the thought of seeing Kuroo again. “Please do not make me play that fourth message, I swear to God.” And with that, Tsukishima is running out the door. 

Tsukishima knows the exact time that it takes to get to Kuroo’s apartment from his front doorstep. He knows the fastest way to get to the train station and which lines lead where the quickest and when the platforms are the least crowded and the most efficient back alleys to cut through from the station to Kuroo’s small apartment complex. All of that knowledge is useless to Tsukishima right now. 

He starts in a sprint, figures that by the time he makes it to the station, he’ll have plenty of time to sit on the train and recover before he makes it to Kuroo’s. There’s an ache in his legs that just will not go away, and a small part of him is glad that he can feel it with every step he takes. In the beginning, he’s glad because it fuels him. When his foot lands on the ground, he’s immediately ready for it to be off the ground again. This continuous cycle is what carries him to the station, but when he gets there, it’s what stops him from getting on the first train, and then the second, and then the third. 

The pain in his legs doesn’t stop, it intensifies, but he refuses to sit. He did this to himself. He pushed too hard, didn’t give himself a break, that’s why he’s here standing on the platform not getting on the train with searing aches in his legs. He’s hunched over now, with his hands braced on his knees, inhaling the air around him. 

Everything at this station reminds him of Kuroo. Even looking down at his feet, he follows a crack with his eyes to the spot where Kuroo tripped the first time he visited Tsukishima. _“I’m never coming back,” he had teased._ He did come back, though, he always did. 

“Please step behind the yellow line while passengers unload. Destination: Tokyo. Departing in 4 minutes.”

Kuroo gave Tsukishima everything, even things that he didn’t deserve. To this day, Tsukishima would argue that his love was one of those things. When Tsukishima feels lonely or cold, he only has to think back to the time when Kuroo told him that he loved him for the first time. Vividly as day, he can see Kuroo’s lips forming each word. _“Kei, I love you.”_ And his entire body feels warm. 

“Final boarding call. Destination: Tokyo. Departing in 1 minute.”

Every good thing in Tsukishima’s life is due to Kuroo. He probably wants nothing to do with him ever again after how much Tsukishima ignored him, but that doesn’t matter. The anxiety spreading throughout his entire body doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is apologizing to Kuroo, letting him know how cared for he was, and asking for him back. 

He steps onto the train. 

The combination of his clearing guilt and him finally sitting down allows his legs to rest, gaining back normal feeling. 

* * *

Typically, every time the train would pull up to the platform and the pleasant woman over the speaker would announce that they had arrived in Tokyo, Tsukishima, as politely as he could, would be the first one off the train. This time, however, he allows everyone to go ahead of him, despite being sat right by the doors. 

His memory of the perfect route stays ingrained in his head, despite not putting it to use. Every time Tsukishima walks past an alleyway that he previously would have used to cut across, his feet refuse to turn. A trip that usually takes him 2 hours and 28 minutes has now taken him over 4 hours, and he still doesn’t know what he’s going to say to Kuroo when he gets there.

 _Hey, sorry that I’ve been basically dead to the world for the past few weeks. Here, I brought you flowers._ Tsukishima does not have flowers. _Just kidding I don’t even have flowers_ . Should he stop and get flowers? No, no. Too sappy. _I didn’t get you flowers because I thought they would be too sappy and you don’t deserve them, I guess._ That is not what was said. _Well, that’s basically what you’re acting like_. 

Tsukishima stops to pick up a large bouquet of flowers. 

_Okay, so I got you flowers because you deserve them, God, you deserve the entire world, but I can’t give you the world, though I will try, but I can’t because that’s literally impossible so I got you these flowers. Because you mean the world to me. And I don’t appreciate you enough, the little things that you do for me, and so I need to start doing little things for you to show you how much I appreciate what you do for me._ That’s not enough, and you know it. 

_I’m sorry._ Good start, genius. _I’m really fucking sorry. I know it’s not an excuse, but you said that you wanted me to move-in and I saw it as this act of pity, not an act of my caring boyfriend. Are you still my boyfriend?_ Definitely do not ask that. _I hope you’ll still be my boyfriend._ Desperate. 

Nothing that Tsukishima was saying (thinking?) was coming out right. He had so much to convey, so much to correct, but everything that could potentially come out of his mouth was making things worse. _Why did you even think that you could fix this?_ Tsukishima stops in his tracks. It’s not too late to turn back, of course, it’s not too late. He could just leave now. _No. Just because this can’t be fixed does not mean that Kuroo doesn’t deserve some sort of closure, some sort of apology. You’re not just apologizing to fix things._

“I’m not just apologizing to fix things,” Tsukishima repeats aloud. 

Autopilot has brought Tsukishima’s useless self to Kuroo’s apartment door. Suddenly he realizes that even a million years could not prepare him for facing Kuroo right now. _What if Kuroo isn’t even home? What then, genius? 75$ and 5 hours later and you’re still a screw-up._ His hand is balled up into a fist for much longer than it takes to knock on a door. He practices the motions, not fully committing to alerting his presence. He’s not ready yet, he’s not ready yet, he’s not ready yet. 

But in the midst of his ample practice, his knuckle grazes the door. It produces a hollow, dull sound for but a moment. _Now you have to commit or you’re going to look weird. Knock. Do it._ They don’t compare to Yamaguchi’s earlier today, but they are definitely noticeable knocks. If Kuroo’s in there, - _he’s going to vomit_ \- he’ll hear them. 

Seconds pass by and Tsukishima is convinced that he can see each individual one, taunting him as they lag for as long as he’ll let them. In fact, he’s convinced that he’s nearly doubled his travel time by the time that he hears the door unlock in front of him. 

The door is unlocking in front of him. _What does he even say when the door opens? Hey! What’s up? Hey bro! Yo! Hello, Kuroo-san. Kuroo, is that you? Hello. Tetsuro. How have ya been?_

As soon as the door swings open, away from him, his breath gets caught in his throat. It might have been the unkempt hair or the eyes he hasn’t seen up close in weeks or the familiar smell that hits him like a wave or the fact that Kuroo’s confidence dips as he notices who’s standing in front of him. “Kei?” It might have been a combination of all of them at once that makes Tsukishima have to physically hold back from wrapping his arms around Kuroo and never letting him go. 

Kuroo clears his throat, reverting from Kei back to just, “Tsukishima?”

The breath caught in his throat is relentless, not allowing him to speak or function without earning it. “Hey,” is all he manages. 

Always the gentleman, even when he shouldn’t be, Kuroo steps to the side, allowing Tsukishima to see the inside of Kuroo’s apartment. Save for the slight mess scattered around the apartment, it’s exactly the same as the day he stormed out. “Come on in, sorry for the mess, haven’t been motivated to do much lately.”

His breath hitches once more. He steps inside. The feeling inside the apartment is one that he now despises. In all honesty, the difference between now and before is not huge, but the fact that there is any at all is hurting Tsukishima’s entire being. He feels constantly tense, it feels colder in here than it normally does, and he feels like he’s restricted to only the parts of the apartment that Kuroo explicitly allows him in.

Tsukishima stops, hesitates before thrusting the flowers out in front of him. “These- these are for you.”

Truthfully, he looks confused more than anything. Tsukishima decides this is a good thing because there are a lot of other emotions that would have been much much worse. 

Kuroo takes the flowers from Tsukishima’s hands, nodding politely before setting them down on the kitchen table. 

“I-,” he pauses, “I- uh, what are you doing here?”

_Why are you even here?_

“To apologize,” he answers both Kuroo’s question and the one inside his head simultaneously. “To actually, really apologize.”

Tsukishima doesn’t know what he’s expecting here, any form of positive response or nod to go forward maybe, but he doesn’t get anything. 

“I’m really sorry, Kuroo, for everything. For overreacting that day, for not appreciating you, for ignoring you these past few months, I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Tsukishiman is bent at the waist a tad, bowing at Kuroo whose cheeks have turned a soft red at this gesture. 

“You don’t have to forgive me or even finish hearing me out. I just need you to know that I am so overwhelmingly sorry for everything that’s happened in this past month. It’s no excuse, but everything was happening so fast and I couldn’t see it as anything other than pity, not just love from my boyfriend.”

“When we weren’t together, you were literally all I was thinking about and it sounds so stupid but I couldn’t stop feeling every place on my body that you’ve touched. I’m not normally someone that gets hung up on things like this, but I couldn’t get you out of my head. I missed you.”

“I missed you, Kuroo. It took everything in me not to tackle you when you opened that door, but I don’t deserve that… I don’t deserve you. I hurt you and I’m sorry. I don’t know how you could ever forgive me- I-.”

Tsukishima finally looks up. 

He looks up just in time to see Kuroo pulling him into a hug. He feels Kuroo’s hand in his hair again, a feeling that he was void of for far too long. His other hand wrapped around his waist. He wonders how he went so long without Kuroo’s touch. 

His body doesn’t allow him to relax instantly into what he’s been wanting this entire time. He feels stiff, rigid; he doesn’t deserve this amount of warmth and kindness. The moment feels stagnant, but then Tsukishima can feel Kuroo’s movements, not just his arm tightening around his waist, but each movement of his individual fingers in his hair and the slight shift in weight from one foot to the other, and the dull thumping of his heartbeat on Tsukishima’s chest. 

It takes him only a few seconds, then, relishing in Kuroo’s embrace and involuntary motions, to move his arms around him, squeezing. The seconds are lagging by, once again, and Tsukishima thanks them this time. 

“I missed you, too, you know?” Kuroo’s mouth is right by Tsukishima’s ear, so close that he can feel the words coming out of it. “I missed you every single day.” He nods against Kuroo’s shoulder, the tears coming from his eyes causing his vocal cords to feel tight. “Why did it take you this long?” Kuroo starts to pull away, but the selfishness that Tsukishima doesn’t deserve takes over, holding him tighter. If this was the last time that he was going to have Kuroo in his arms he wanted to savor every moment that he could get. 

A small part in Tsukishima thinks that Kuroo might react poorly to this, pushing him away harder and never speaking to him again. But he doesn’t. He also tightens his grip, massages Tsukishima’s head with his fingers. 

“I- I was mad at first,” Tsukishima is pulling away this time, attempting to show the concern and genuineness in his eyes, “and then after the anger subsided, I was annoyed, both at you and at me. Annoyed that I wasn’t there making up with you and annoyed at you for pointing out my biggest fear, nailing it on the head, and bringing it to light.”

The sadness in Kuroo’s eyes surfaces. He knows that he made mistakes too, it wasn't just Tsukishima’s burden to hold. “When the annoyance faded, I was left with sadness. Just an overwhelming sadness that wouldn’t go away and with it, guilt and emptiness. And when my train of emotions finally finished, I was left with the feeling of “well, I can’t fix this now.”

“I’m not excusing what I did with how I was feeling. It’s not an excuse. I’m just… telling you, how I was feeling. You’re the only person I really do that for, you know? Share my feelings. And- and it’s thanks to you that I can do that, even if it’s just to you. Anyways, I just-.”

Tsukishima can’t talk anymore, not with Kuroo’s lips pressed against his, at least. He thought that he missed his arms around him the most and the feeling of safety it brought, but the feeling of Kuroo’s lips on his again brings tears to his eyes. 

Both of Tsukishima’s hands are tangled into Kuroo’s unkempt hair, both to feel and remember exactly just how soft it is and to pull him closer. 

“I hurt you too,” Kuroo says pulling away, “I hurt you too. Albeit, I didn’t ignore you for 3 weeks straight after having a shitty fight, but-.”

“Tch.” It’s instinct. Kuroo jabbed at him and he clicks his tongue because that’s what he does when Kuroo makes fun of him. Or at least, that’s what he normally does and not necessarily in a position like the one he’s in now where Kuroo is explaining why Tsukishima is a piece of shit. 

Kuroo looks at him, blinks twice, and continues staring at him. “I missed you so much, Kei.” Hearing Kuroo says his name sends shivers down his spine. It distracts him so much that he doesn’t even realize that he should be forcing him out of his apartment for his smartass remark. 

“I reflected in those weeks. I know what I said hurt you. And I know that I should not have said it, because you do do things for me and care for me, I know you do. I know you so well. I know your weaknesses and insecurities and I’m really sorry.”

“I forgive you.” There’s no hesitation. Everything that Tsukishima has done today has led with hesitation, but not this. “I forgive you. You don’t have to forgive me for ignoring you for all those weeks, but I forgive you because you deserve the world.”

Kuroo’s hand cups Tsukishima’s cheek, his thumb gently caressing his cheekbone. Pulling his face towards him, Kuroo places a kiss on his forehead soft enough to turn Tsukishima’s entire body pink. “Don’t you see? Kei, you deserve the world too.”

If it weren’t for Kuroo’s strong _oh my god, so strong_ arms, Kei would have collapsed to the floor in a shaking, sobbing mess. But Kuroo’s arms were there to support him, pulling his head into his shoulder. “I forgive you.”

* * *

The move doesn’t come immediately after their makeup, it takes a bit of time. There was a lot of forgiveness, but the weight of the situation still lingered. 

It takes a few months before Tsukishima is ready to take the dive and before Kuroo is ready to let him back in, but he does. And Tsukishima does.

When he’s finished moving his last thing into Kuroo’s, no, their apartment, it feels cozy. He’s here so often, but for some reason standing in this apartment feels different now, but in a good way. It feels more familiar, more whole; a shared space between two people who care so deeply for one another. 

It feels like home. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! feel free to leave a comment and/or a kudo! they are more appreciated than you know!!!
> 
> if you want to follow me on tumblr, send me a prompt, talk, or whatnot, you can find me @a-kaash-me-outside!


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